6 things I’m doing better in my second marriage than I did in my first

It’s not like I was super young when I married the first time. Quite the opposite.

I was approaching 35, had been with this man for five years and we had a child together. I was in love, but it was not without its problems.

We had another child, got a mortgage and were only married for two years before the cracks became chasms, and we limped for a final year before the words were whispered. It was over.

I’m approaching my fifth year in my second marriage and it’s an entirely different relationship for many reasons. This is not a beat up, where I’ll pitch husband against husband and point out flaws. Instead, this is a reflection of both relationships, accountability for myself and how this came to be my healthiest relationship yet.

1. We have boss-level communication

I worked on my communication skills dramatically over the last ten years. I had to.

The inability to communicate without defensiveness or argument in my first marriage made me take a good look at how to have better communication during conflict with someone that I love.

My current husband is also committed to excellent communication, working through stuff, taking accountability and trying to be his best. So that helps too.

2. I have my own finances

I was a stay-at-home mum with no money of my own in the bank when my first marriage ended. It’s often necessary to join finances in the early child-rearing years because there will be months, maybe even years, where women aren’t at full earning capacity.

In the early years of my divorce, the financial stress I was under caused me incredible anxiety and stress.

I will always keep my own finances now however, we do have a joint account for household expenses and incidentals. 

3. There’s no small children

Need I say more?

We decided my two children are enough for us and while they were younger when we got together, we are not in the trenches of tiny kids, sleepless nights and that grey zone living that is treacherously hard on couples.

The early childhood years and the relentlessness of small kids can sneakily lead to relationship strife and parental burnout. Teens are a different kind of hard, no doubt, but it’s easier to be a united front when everyone is getting enough sleep.

4. We take every second weekend off

One of the best things about this Numero Duo marriage situation is having every second weekend off.

Having to go through a messy heartbreak is crap, but this is a silver lining from that situation. I believe if couples had more time off together, without the pressures of everyday family life, they may stay together longer because they have the opportunity the remember why they got together in the first place.

Even if your relationship is great, prioritise time just for you two as a couple to help stay connected.

5. I’ve done ‘the work’

Often, we drag our ghosts into relationships with us. When my second marriage came around I’d done the coaching, the therapy and the work needed to be at greater peace with myself.

Taking self-awareness, knowledge of my patterns, and a desire to be a better human into a relationship gives you a much better foundation within yourself to bring into a partnership. I required the same of my partner because it takes two people at the same level to tango well.

6. I prioritise my rest and play

In my first marriage, the family unit became my everything. I disappeared. Not now.

Now, I prioritise taking care of myself by listening to my body and giving myself what I need first. I also find fun, play and joy outside of the family unit so I have more of me to bring into that space. Prioritising your own care and fun is not selfish, but a necessary part of being a well and balanced human.

All relationships are different. And my first marriage didn’t work for many reasons. One of the biggest reasons my second marriage is so successful is because we are both committed to the daily actions required to take care of each other and the family first, while taking good care of ourselves and our own needs. That’s a balance worth striking.