Moving to a new city. Ending a long relationship. Switching careers. Starting university at 30. Sometimes life hands us a fresh slate, whether we asked for it or not.
While new beginnings can feel exciting, they often come with an unexpected side effect: loneliness. Nearly half of all adults in Australia experience loneliness regularly, and life transitions can intensify these feelings.
You might find yourself scrolling through your contacts, realising most of your friendships were built around shared circumstances that no longer exist. The work colleague who became a close friend? That connection feels distant now that you’ve left the company.
The challenge isn’t just meeting new people – it’s building genuine connections that feel meaningful and lasting.
Why starting over feels so hard
Forming adult friendships is fundamentally different from how we made friends in childhood or during our school years. Think about your closest friendships from school or early career days. You didn’t strategically plan to become best friends with your dorm mate or cubicle neighbour. Proximity and regular exposure did most of the heavy lifting.
When you’re starting fresh, you lose that built-in advantage. You have to be more intentional about creating opportunities for connection, which can feel forced or unnatural at first. Add to that the vulnerability required to open up to new people, and it’s no wonder many adults find themselves stuck in surface-level ‘acquaintanceships’.
There’s also what psychologists call the ‘liking gap’ – the tendency to underestimate how much new people actually like us. After a conversation with someone new, we often walk away thinking we came across as awkward or boring, while the other person likely enjoyed the interaction more than we realise.
The attachment factor
Your approach to new friendships might also be influenced by your attachment style, developed through early relationships with caregivers. People with secure attachment generally find it easier to balance independence with closeness, making them natural friendship builders.
Those with anxious attachment often worry about being abandoned or rejected, which can lead to either coming on too strong in new relationships or holding back out of fear. Meanwhile, people with avoidant attachment may struggle with intimacy and vulnerability, preferring to keep new connections at arm’s length.
Understanding your own patterns can help you recognise when fear or past experiences are getting in the way of genuine connection. Learning how to make new friends as an adult becomes easier when you’re aware of these tendencies and can work with them rather than against them.
Start with your authentic interests
The most sustainable friendships grow from shared interests and values, not just convenience. When you’re building from scratch, this becomes your greatest asset.
Instead of trying to be what you think others want, lean into what genuinely excites you. Join a hiking group because you love being outdoors, not because you think it’s where you ‘should’ meet people. Take that pottery class you’ve been curious about. Volunteer for a cause you care about.
When you’re in these environments, remember that others are there for the same reasons you are. Whether you’re at a book club meeting or a weekend volunteer event, knowing how to join a conversation with people who share your interests naturally can help transform those initial encounters into meaningful connections. The key is approaching with genuine curiosity about what others think or experience.
This approach serves two purposes: you’re more likely to meet people who share your values, and you’ll be showing up as your authentic self from the beginning. Friendships built on genuine common ground tend to be more resilient than those based on proximity alone.
The slow burn approach
One mistake people make when starting over is trying to fast track intimacy. Loneliness can make us eager to find our ‘person’ quickly, but rushing the process often backfires.
Genuine friendships develop through gradual vulnerability. Start with lighter conversations about shared interests, then slowly share more personal stories as trust builds. Pay attention to how potential friends respond to your openness – do they reciprocate with their own stories, or do they seem uncomfortable with deeper topics?
Quality trumps quantity every time. It’s better to develop three meaningful connections than to collect 20 surface-level friendships that leave you feeling just as lonely.
Show up consistently
One advantage you have as an adult is the ability to be intentional about consistency. When someone mentions they’re trying a new restaurant, suggest going together. Follow up on conversations – if they mentioned a job interview, ask how it went the next time you see them.
Consistency doesn’t mean being available 24/7 or saying yes to every invitation. It means showing up as a reliable presence in someone’s life. Remember their important events. Check in during tough times. Celebrate their wins.
Building close friendships takes time and regular interaction. This doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen when you show up regularly and authentically.
Navigate the awkward phase
Every new friendship goes through an awkward phase where you’re not quite sure where you stand. You might wonder: Are we actually friends, or just friendly acquaintances? Is it weird to text them about something unrelated to our shared activity?
This uncertainty is normal and temporary. The key is to gently test the waters without putting pressure on the relationship. Invite them to something slightly outside your usual context – maybe coffee after your weekly book club, or a movie that relates to something you discussed.
Pay attention to their response and energy level. Are they enthusiastic about spending time together, or do they seem to prefer keeping things within the original context? Both responses are okay, but they tell you something important about the potential for deeper friendship.
When it doesn’t work out
Not every connection will develop into a close friendship, and that’s perfectly normal. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there, or life circumstances get in the way. Other times, you might realise that someone isn’t the kind of friend you’re looking for after all.
Learning to let go gracefully is part of the process. Social isolation increases the risk of premature death by 29 per cent, comparable to the risks associated with smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity, which is why it’s worth continuing to put yourself out there, even when individual connections don’t work out. You can appreciate someone for the role they played in your life – maybe they helped you feel less alone during a difficult transition – without forcing a friendship that isn’t meant to be.
The goal isn’t to replace your old social circle with an identical new one. Starting over gives you the opportunity to be more intentional about the kinds of relationships you want to cultivate. Maybe this time around, you’ll prioritise friends who share your values over those who are simply convenient. Perhaps you’ll seek out people who challenge you to grow, rather than those who just want to stay comfortable.
The loneliness of being at a different life stage to your friends can actually become an advantage when starting fresh – it pushes you to seek connections based on who you are now, not who you used to be. Building genuine friendships when starting over requires patience, vulnerability, and a willingness to show up as your authentic self. The process might feel slower and more intentional than friendships that developed naturally through shared circumstances, but the connections you build will be stronger for it.
Remember: everyone is looking for genuine connection. By being brave enough to put yourself out there authentically, you’re giving others permission to do the same. Your fresh start might be exactly what someone else needs, too.