I have observed countless clients block love and shut it out when they are hurting and fearful. Sadly, many female clients who have come to me never make it on a date as they’re worried about failing at dating and choose avoidance instead. I try to remind them what this move is costing them, and that love doesn’t come to those who wait — it comes to those who date!
And then I think of other clients who struggle, like me, once they’re in a steady relationship. I had one client who, in arguments with her partner, failed to hear and acknowledge his attempts to make amends, and instead went on endless tirades about how hurt she had been. Her paralysing fear turned into stony anger that ended up pushing her partner away. Through her wall of hurt and anger, she was unable to receive his attempts to show love and make amends. It truly saddened me to witness. I don’t want you to end up in such a sad and hopeless place.
I can also think of countless, beautiful clients who have chosen partners that aren’t emotionally ready, available, willing, or able to love them. This is another form of blocking yourself from being loved fully and completely by another who is able to give you the love and presence you long to receive.
A diluted version of love isn’t really love, and can do you more harm than good. Despite the truth that so many of us long to find love, we often subconsciously put up walls to block love because quite simply, we’re terrified of getting hurt. Many of us have never witnessed a healthy love and have experienced rejection when at our most fragile, emotional or needy, whether as a child or in past romantic relationships.
Given this, it takes huge amounts of courage, trust, and vulnerability to let love in. Sometimes the familiar path of blocking love feels like a safer option.
When Will It Happen For Me? A Shame-Free Guide to Finding Love On Your Own Timeline by Phoebe Rogers.
How you might be blocking love
Let’s take a specific look at ways in which you may be blocking love across the cycle of dating to being in a relationship.
Contemplating dating and the early stages
See if you can identify yourself in any of the behaviours below that block love, noting that they tend to be driven by fear:
- Pretending or lying to yourself by denying that you want love.
- Throwing yourself into everything else but dating, including work and hobbies.
- Not showing up with authenticity and vulnerability on dating apps, or active avoidance of dating altogether.
- Not prioritising dating by not replying to messages, or nit-picking the quality or frequency of the messages received.
- Playing “hard to get” or being unresponsive when a partner reaches out for connection.
- Not reaching out at all once the relationship is more established.
Settling when it comes to love
See if you can identify yourself in any of the behaviours below that block love, noting that they tend to be driven by fear:
- Staying in undefined relationships for lengthy periods of time, and failing to seek clarity about the direction or definition of the relationship.
- Dating a partner with unfinished relationship business. For example, they’re still living with their ex.
- Staying too long in unfulfilling relationships, including with an emotionally unavailable partner.
- Ignoring your gut and the nagging feeling that something feels off.
Within a relationship:
See if you can identify yourself in any of the behaviours below that block love, noting that they tend to be driven by fear:
- Shutting down or withdrawing from the relationship.
- Denying or minimising your emotional needs altogether.
- Failing to express what you need or saying you’re “fine” when that’s far from the truth.
- Focusing on trying to fix the relationship by bringing up every small issue.
- Focusing on trying to change your partner and their flaws through anger, criticising, blaming or other means.
- Having very high expectations of your partner.
- Failing to soothe your own anxiety within the relationship and leaning on your partner too heavily.
How many of these behaviours stood out to you, resulting in you ultimately blocking love from your life? As hard as it can be to face yourself, note whether you can take responsibility for your part in blocking love, rather than blaming dates or a new partner.
As this list shows, in all stages of a relationship (and even before one begins), we can push love away without meaning to. Self-protection mode can kick in as soon as we perceive a relationship threat, resulting in our walls going up, or anger and frustration surfacing to hide our vulnerability.
I want to assure you that, if you relate to these feelings and behaviours, it can and does get easier. Sometimes, however, it involves looking back (way back!) to where you learnt to protect yourself in this way in the first place — and why you find letting people in so damn scary.
