Connection vs attention: How to tell if you’re dating deep or shallow

Attention is not connection. Validation is not connection.

We all crave connection – real intimacy. However, many of us find ourselves in a shallow dating pool that’s full of attention, and totally devoid of connection.

In our modern dating world of texts and DMs, a lot of early connection is built through short interactions, a few written words here and there. These little digital love notes can be quite addictive. We might begin to feel elated when our phone pings or when we get a new notification to check our DMs.

On the flip side, we might feel a bit low when we’ve been left on ‘read’, or it’s been days since the last text. This digital dialogue feeds our hunger for attention, and we start chasing it or lapping it up like a love drug.

What’s most important is not the frequency of the texts, but rather, the content itself.

Texts that say “Hope you had a good day”, “Good morning”, “Good night”, “Sweet dreams” or a selfie or some weird meme all offer attention; little breadcrumbs that give the illusion of interest and consistency. But there is no connection being built here.

Connection requires curiosity, dialogue, the sharing of experiences, emotions, desires and future plans. Is the person you’re dating really getting to know you? Or are they just giving you attention?

Validation and vanity

Most of us are seeking validation. It’s normal. We all want and deserve it. But sometimes, we can mistake compliments as the sign of a growing connection, but really they’re just another kind of bait to draw us in, feed our vanity and accept less than we deserve.

They’re messages like “You’re gorgeous”, “I love your hair”, “Your body is fire”, “You’re such a good person”, and “You’re so impressive”. These compliments can often have us seeing stars and hearts above our heads.

If we’re in the heady heights of validation, we may be more prone to enter a projection. We’ll start to think we’re being well-loved, when it might just be words. In its most extreme form, this is known as love bombing and it often shows up in early dating.

Validation or compliments that are not followed up with care create a very confusing experience, where the idea of the person we have conjured and who they really are just don’t match up.

Is the person you’re dating just a wonderful wordsmith? Or do they show you they care through the way they act? Real connection shows up.

Crossed wires

Apart from the smoke and mirrors world of texts and memes and Instagram stories, there’s a bigger reason we might find ourselves confusing attention or validation for connection.

The way we love is learned. If in our younger years we sat around the dinner table with surface-level conversation growing up, we would have learned that love lurks on the surface. If we didn’t have a parent who asked us about our day, how we felt, our hopes and dreams, we would have learned that curiosity is not part of love.

We might have also developed an un-nameable hunger: the desire to feel like we are wanted, important or valuable. Unconsciously we will seek to feed it, by choosing people who validate and compliment us, but it rarely satiates us. Because it’s not validation we’re really craving – we’re actually starving for connection and we’ve never been shown what that looks or feels like.

The truth is that curiosity is the seed of connection. It’s the only way we can begin to truly know each other. And if we have never been seen, this might feel like weirdest or scariest thing ever. Attention might feel more comfortable or ‘normal’ than connection.

As we date, we can ask ourselves: Are they truly curious about who I am? And am I returning that curiosity? Am I asking questions? Am I learning about what makes them tick, relax or laugh? Am I showing them that I’m listening with the way I show up?

Connection is a two-way street. It’s not something that can be bestowed upon us. We are eternally co-creating it.

If we want to date deeper, connect deeper and cultivate the kind of intimacy we desire, we must be sure that we stop lingering on each other’s outskirts, and learn to unwrap each other like we are the most valuable gifts.