Are you overly agreeable and amenable? Are you often called a people-pleaser? Do you struggle to say no when your boss asks you to take on more work than you could possibly account for in one day, or when asked to (once again) plan the office morning tea? Then this guide is for you.

Let’s hold hands and stroll through the past to recap our favourite people-pleasing moments at work, shall we?

Remember that time you did a favour for another team and ended up with the task permanently in your lap? So funny! Or that time when your colleague said: “You’re the only one who knows how to do this right. Will you help us out? You’re such a great team player.” What a lark! Or that time when you found yourself volunteering to do a task that nobody else in the team wanted to do, including you. Such good times! On second thought, not such good times.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we say yes? Why can’t we say no? Because we’re people pleasers.

Let’s face it, the thought of letting others down is as awful as the idea of saying no to their actual face. You want to be a team player. You want to be easy to work with, helpful, supportive, nice.

You want people to like you, and that’s okay. In fact, it’s normal. It’s our human wiring to want to play nicely with others.

It’s also a major stumbling block to being effective at work, especially when putting others first means putting ourselves last. And therein lies the rub. How do we help ourselves, without feeling like we are letting others down? That’s where the guide comes in.

A guide to breaking the people-pleasing habit

If you’re a people pleaser, you become a magnet for other people’s priorities at the detriment of your own. If you want to get ahead at work, you have to break the people-pleasing habit and learn to say no.

Here’s how:

1. Say yes to yourself, first

I know it’s hard to say no to others, but the truth is, when you say yes to others, you are saying no to yourself. No to quality outcomes. No to your future opportunities. No to your professional reputation.

When we take on too much work because we want to deliver on everything, we end up delivering on nothing. Oh, the irony.

Our job as professionals is to get the job done. Prioritise your delivery. Say yes to yourself, and yes to your potential first.

2. Reframe the pain of disappointing others

It’s hard to say no to someone who has become reliant on your generous yes. It’s hard to stare into the eyes of disappointment, and still feel good about yourself. But that disappointed face is really just an inconvenienced face.

Your ‘no’ means they have to find someone else to do it. Don’t take it personally.

In fact, be prepared to disappoint people for as long as it takes to establish the boundaries you need – it’s actually a sign of progress! It’s time to reframe the pain as part of the work game.

3. Say ‘Yes, and…’

The easiest way to say no is to say yes. Stay with me here. A ‘no’ is abrupt and disappointing. A ‘yes’ is easy and pleasing. So, give people what they want, and then add what you want.

It’s a ‘yes, and’ approach. It works like this:

• Colleague: “Can you do this report for me today?”
• You: “Yes. And which of these other projects should I put on hold in order to get this done for you?” (Yes… and)

To break the people-pleasing habit we need to value our own time and protect our work boundaries. The more you play the supportive role, the more you’re supporting others to play the lead role.

It’s time to ask yourself, “Given what I need to focus on, is that the best use of my time?”

Oh, and can you do me a favour? No? Right answer! Carry on with your own agenda.