There’s a hidden economy when it comes to women’s wealth. There are attempts to measure it. The Australian Bureau of Statistics and other well-intentioned bodies look to systems and structures, the external. It’s but one component to this hefty hardship.
What about the internal, personal agency and the economy of self-worth? I’m talking about the currency of confidence, assertion, and the compound effect of perpetual permission-seeking. For many women, it’s the starting block, where wealth is lost before it’s even earned. It’s plainly visible on your payslip, by the masked architecture of opportunities lost.
It occurs through the most common of interactions: the apology. Who knew ‘sorry’ had so much might? Here are 5 apologetic behaviours undermining women’s finances:
1. Disclaiming expertise before sharing it
“I’m not an expert, but…”. How often do we hear this preface from highly competent women, often with years of experience and strong subject knowledge?
When doing this, you are signalling in advance to discount anything you are about to say. This could be why your contributions are overlooked or why ideas are attributed to others who present with more confidence.
Tip: Say, “In my experience…” or skip the preamble altogether and simply say, “Here is what I recommend…”.
2. Thinking your apology denotes respect
You disagree with what has been said or are about to challenge an idea. You feel uncomfortable and believe it will come across more palatable if you apologise first. For instance, you would say: “I’m sorry, I could be wrong, but…”
By being polite, you may think you are tempering the message. Instead, your point is weakened. You might also be unconsciously trying to ensure your assertion doesn’t make you unlikeable. The respect you seek to bestow is debited from your own dwindling bank of deference.
Tip: What is there to be sorry about when challenging ideas at work? That’s how innovation happens. Simply say, “I disagree”. You can still be respectful by not interjecting mid-conversation and keeping your tone neutral.
3. Treating reasonable questions about money as an imposition
You’re about to discuss salary, a pay rise, or an overdue review, but instead of stating it plainly, you begin with an apology, like “I’m sorry to ask and I don’t want to bother, I was wondering if we could discuss my salary sometime?”. By doing so, you frame a legitimate conversation as an inconvenience.
When it’s treated as non-essential, it will likely be received as non-essential. You’ve made it easy for the response to be “not now” or “let’s revisit this later”. And guaranteed, you will accept the delay.
As outlined in my recent book, Earning Power, the ‘million-dollar formula’ demonstrates how consistent patterns of hesitation, such as delaying salary negotiations or downplaying achievements, can collectively cost women a million dollars.
Tip: Money conversations aren’t rude, they’re responsible. Begin by replacing “I’m sorry to ask…” with “I’d like to set a time to talk about my compensation”. Directness doesn’t negate diplomacy.
Roxanne Calder shares more career advice in her book Earning Power: Breaking Barriers and Building Wealth for Women.
4. Apologising for contributions at meetings
These apologies are often reflexive. Examples might sound like “Sorry, would it be OK if I added something?” or “Sorry to interrupt, I had an idea/ thought”. There are endless iterations. Each one subtly signals self-doubt before your idea even lands.
Like the other ‘sorries’, whatever brilliant idea you are about to share has been immediately downgraded before it gets airtime. If you lack confidence in presenting your ideas, how can you expect others to believe in you? Leadership requires confidence and strength, and apologetic hedging language affects professional credibility.
Tip: Drop the apology. Try saying this instead” “I’d like to add”, or “Building on that point”, or “Great idea. Have you considered…”. This way, you’re not interrupting. You’re participating.
5. Over-apologising instead of owning the space
These compulsive apologies are a default. Are you the person who apologises for everything and to everyone? Or even apologising for other people’s mistakes that affect you?
Saying sorry when it’s unnecessary is often a conditioned habit from years of being socialised to accommodate. Such excessive apologising sends a subtle message that your presence is a disruption. It undermines your authority, respect and the confidence others have in you.
Tip: Are these scenarios familiar? Saying “Sorry I’m late”, or “Sorry to keep you waiting” when you’re on time and they were early? Instead, say, “Thanks for waiting”. This shifts the tone from self-blame to mutual respect.
Pause and notice the impulse
We say sorry to soften the landing, to buy grace before we speak, and to make sure we still belong. But the truth is, you already do.
Instead, pause. Notice the impulse. Then choose to speak with deliberate confidence and grounded conviction. Each time you pause before saying ‘sorry’, you’re not just reclaiming a word, you’re rewriting the old story – the one that told you confidence was arrogance, that money was someone else’s job, that your needs were interruptions.
You don’t need to be more forceful, you just need to be steady enough to stay when you once would’ve stepped aside.
