How to avoid dating app pen pals, according to a relationship expert

Pen pals are connections that get stuck in a back-and-forth messaging stage instead of meeting up in person. People often use the term to describe situations where one person feels ready to go out on a date, but the other person hasn’t made their interest in meeting up clear.

Pen pals are challenging for modern daters because people are (or should be) on dating apps like Hinge to meet people face-to-face. The goal is to get off the apps and out on a date as soon as you feel ready.

Many daters have experienced pen palling, with 73 per cent of daters surveyed saying they’ve felt stuck chatting with a match for too long without going on a date.

Why do dating app matches become pen pals?

There are many reasons why people get stuck messaging on dating apps but never make plans to meet up. Sometimes people aren’t ready for a real-life relationship, but are still looking for connection (or, unfortunately, validation).

A lot of the time, people get stuck in their heads and don’t know if the other person is interested. It can be awkward to know how and when to make the first move. In fact, in our research at Hinge*, we found that more than three-quarters of daters had a conversation fizzle out because they didn’t know the right moment to initiate planning a date.

This inspired Hinge to create a new feature, Date Ideas, that makes it easier for matches to see your intention to get out on a date soon. Now your matches will feel more confident bringing up plans because they can see your interest in going on dates, and what type of activities you’re into.

So, how do I get out of being someone’s pen pal?

Get to the actual date as soon as you feel ready. Everyone dates at their own pace, but the goal should always be to get out on a date so you can assess your chemistry and potential in-person.

We’ve found that 39 per cent of daters look for the other person to bring up date planning first. A good transition from texting to a date might sound like this: “I’m really enjoying this conversation. Want to continue it over a walk on Sunday afternoon?”

Make it easy to meet up. One way to do this is to propose a specific day and time for your date: “Drinks on Thursday at 7pm?” You may have to go back and forth to find a time that works for both of you, but this way, you start to narrow down your options.

I also recommend that daters try Hinge’s new Date Ideas feature. It’s a new section to add to your Hinge profile that helps you clearly share your intentions to get out on a date. It lets you add three first-date activities, with choices ranging from low-pressure first dates, like dinner, drinks or a walk, to fun activities like bowling, visiting a museum, or thrifting. You can also write one idea of your own.

When potential matches view your profile, they can select their availability (this week, this weekend, next week, next weekend) and favourite date ideas you shared before sending a like or comment.

Date Ideas helps you avoid becoming pen pals by making it clear to matches that your goal is to get out on a date. Matches see the types of first-date activities you’re into and feel more confident bringing up plans. I was thrilled to see that in our early tests, more than half (54 per cent) of daters said this feature made it easier to ask someone out.

Building a connection in person should always be the goal

Being stuck in the pen pal stage can be really frustrating, especially when you’re excited about someone and want to grow that connection in real life.

Getting off the app and building a connection in person should always be the goal. That’s why I’m excited about Date Ideas – it helps you avoid getting stuck in the pen pal stage and move towards making real plans.

When a match never commits to actually meeting up, it can slow you down from meeting someone who is really looking for a relationship. If you’ve brought up wanting to meet but the other person keeps pushing it off or not committing to a plan, consider whether the connection is actually building towards something or distracting you from finding something real.

*Survey methodology: Research was conducted by Hinge Labs, a team of PhD researchers and behavioural scientists providing evidence-based dating insights. In March 2026, they surveyed more than 700 global respondents who were part of the Date Ideas test.