How to separate amicably, according to a family lawyer

Relationships can bring out the best and worst in people. I should know, given I’ve worked as a family lawyer for about a decade.

In my early career, I did a lot of court work and mediations, but now I focus on helping couples to separate in a peaceful way.

For want of a better phrase, I help people to separate amicably – and it really is possible. If you or someone you know are ‘consciously uncoupling’, here’s some tips:

Understand headspace

If you understand where you and your partner are in the grief cycle, you’ll have greater insight into your immediate individual needs and can therefore work towards satisfying them.

Grief is a natural emotional healing process we go through after experiencing loss, such as the end of a relationship.

Grief is generally defined as a five-stage process, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and ending with acceptance.

Pushing someone to engage in a formal process before they’re in the right headspace with a degree of acceptance that the relationship is ending risks that person resisting any progress, distrusting their partner, and shutting down to the point where they disengage.

Continue communicating

Communicating can alleviate and offer the opportunity to address fears through reassurance.

Communication needn’t be verbal; written suffices.

Silence altogether is unsettling because of the unknown, like separating itself – with the inevitable changes threatening your basic needs.

When we feel threatened, our survival instincts to fight, flee or freeze come out. The imparting of information and listening to understand means there’s an opportunity for collaboration.

If you have safety concerns, get advice on how and whether it’s best to communicate with your partner.

Get clarity

Clarity on outcomes and the steps involved to separate, reach an agreement, and make it all official means you’re better informed.

You’re less inclined to be influenced by your partner and well-meaning friends and family. You’ll radiate confidence, and it may mean that your partner defers to you to take the lead on the separation process and guide him/her.

Get advice from a collaboratively trained family lawyer on the interim protective steps to consider taking, ideas to help you reach an agreement with your partner and what an appropriate financial, parenting, child support and maintenance outcome looks like for you.

Get on the same page

Align one another’s goals for a speedy, cost-effective, civil-friendly, and easy separation.

Identify what you already agree on, then work backwards to spend your time and energy focusing on those remaining issues requiring agreement. It’s a teamwork effort to start and end your relationship together.

Using “you should” or “you must” create a divide. Likewise, sitting across from one another at a table or standing at the opposite ends of a room.

Your separation is the adversary, not your partner. Get on the same page as your partner by using phrases like “could we…”, “how can we”, and “what do we need…”.

Sit side-by-side and tackle the issues needing agreement together. Ask one another, “what do you need from me going forward?”

Get real

Getting real about your needs involves thinking beyond the short term.

Far too often, I see women settling for an outcome to remain on good terms with their partner for their children’s sake or because it’s just easier and everything is settled quickly.

Some women forgo a superannuation split altogether or agree to a superannuation split amount that fails to reconcile the impact of decisions made during the relationship on her future.

Working through the emotional and practical aspects of separating is one of life’s greatest challenges. If you can navigate it with the correct information, kindness, and respect for one another, you’ll look back on this life’s chapter and milestone with pride.