Sick of bad dates? Here’s the secret to dating ‘appily!

I’ve heard countless stories from all genders, from inside and outside the therapy room, telling of someone meeting their much adored partner online. If it’s used as a compliment to your life, to add to your chances of meeting your future mate, then I say go for it.

While I’ve met many clients who view online dating as cringey or embarrassing, or alternatively, they long to meet someone naturally, I encourage you to open your heart and mind.

I had to put aside my misconceptions when I ventured onto ‘the apps’ but I was willing to do so and try to not take it too seriously. We live in a very different generation to that of our parents. Our world is even more fast-paced and disconnected than before.

I struggled to meet men in real life and I love that these apps can provide opportunities to meet a potential partner. As an introvert who works in a female-dominated profession, my opportunities to meet suitable suitors were scarce.

There are plenty of ways to increase your odds of meeting someone besides apps — get out into the world and say ‘yes’ to invites and catch-ups. There is, however, also a place for the online dating marketplace, especially because it can put less pressure on your schedule and your wallet.

Of course, as with anything online, safety matters — trust your instincts, set boundaries, and take precautions when meeting someone new.

Here’s what I suggest to ensure your experience with online dating doesn’t suck:

Be crystal clear

It’s important that your dating profile describes you, your values, your life, and what you are looking for in detail. You’re not doing yourself any favours if you are muted, generic, and unspecific about what you want.

Being crystal clear, expressive, and vulnerable about your intentions will speed up the process of finding your mate. While you may get fewer matches, you will get more suitable matches. Think about showing your warmth, your interests, and describe yourself as your loved ones and friends describe you.

I think of the brave women I have worked with who proudly updated their profiles to show more of themselves — being clear on wanting a long-term relationship, a nurturing partner, and a life of adventure.

Know your goals

In general, I advise only pursuing matches who clearly state on their profile that they are also seeking a long-term relationship.

My current partner did not actually state his relationship preference when I first saw his profile, and I nearly swiped left. However, I swiped right because he said he was able to, “listen to you whinge about Karen after a hard day at work”, and I love a good listener.

He turned out to be humorous, playful, and also a good listener who cares about my struggles – all good relationship qualities. There are clues in the profiles.

Go beyond the dating app

While profiles are illuminating, they don’t always show exactly who someone is. It’s important to get a feel by chatting, so perhaps a phone call before meeting and moving off the dating app to a date relatively quickly (within a week or two).

One of my clients is now also dating a man she met online and showed me his profile — it was clearly warm, engaging, and also showed his relational qualities.

Keep swiping until you find your match. I’ve worked with women where the process can take months or years however, they get there eventually, and you can too.

For the women who’ve had bad date after bad date, or heartbreak after heartbreak, I want to offer a heartfelt acknowledgement of your courage in the pursuit of love.

It’s OK to take a break if you need it; however, please don’t avoid it altogether if love is what you truly long for. I believe we must take action in the direction of our dreams.