Most of us like to think we’re above average at the things we do every day. A study by tyre manufacturer Continental, for example, revealed that 77 per cent of adult drivers rated themselves as better than average behind the wheel — a number that simply doesn’t add up.
The same overconfidence shows up when it comes to listening skills: research by Accenture found that 96 per cent of people believe they are good or very good listeners. Yet, if you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling unheard, you’ll know that perception doesn’t always match reality.
The good news? Listening is a skill we can all learn to improve — and the benefits of becoming a better listener are worth it.
Stop listening to reply – seek to understand
Listening is something that feels very easy but it uses a significant amount of our mental capacity to do. For this reason, our energy-hungry brains quite often use tools of pattern recognition and prediction to assume what someone is saying rather than really listening. This frees up cognitive horsepower to invest in the thing we generally prefer over listening, and that is replying.
When another person is speaking and you have the natural instinct to reply, swallow it. Hold it back and create space for the person to continue to hold the floor. Let them speak and focus on mentally digesting everything you can about their words.
This is particularly important in our closest relationships as we can assume familiarity equals understanding. Here, assumption can be the biggest empathy trap. People change. Context changes. Assumptions are wrong. If we don’t pay attention, we risk missing the important shifts in the lives of those we care about most.
Don’t run to a conclusion – use questions that dig
Better listening starts with the simple act of deciding to hold back your response and instead being curious.
For this, a great technique is to seek to discover something new from the conversation. This pushes against our desire to confirm our beliefs but allows for new territory to be opened up. Ask questions that go under the surface like:
- “What was the hardest part about that?”
- “How did that make you feel at the time?”
- “What do you think you’ll do next?”
This kind of curiosity changes the tone of a conversation instantly to be focused on them. It signals that you’re not just there to nod along, you’re there because you want to understand their experience. You are displaying empathy.
Sit by their side in the silence
When we see someone else in pain, especially when it is a friend or loved one, a common desire is to make it all better.
While driven from a place of kindness, it so often is driven by sympathy, not empathy. Sympathy is a focus on our feelings about the situation, not theirs. It is our feelings that are driving. While we tell ourselves we are being caring, it is better described as nice-selfishness.
Empathy means we don’t rush to solutions or attempt to too quickly save them. Keep your focus on them. What are they experiencing and how is that impacting them? This will sometimes mean sitting quietly with them, even when it’s emotionally challenging and uncomfortable.
Indonesia’s first president once said: “The worst cruelty that can be inflicted on a human being is isolation”. Sadly, when we rush to solve their problems instead of sitting silently with them, we inflict this cruelty despite our intentions.
Learn more in The Empathy Gap by Daniel Murray.
Don’t hide from the emotions – name them to tame them
Emotions can be messy, uncomfortable and uncontrollable, especially when on full display in others. So it’s no wonder we often try to dismiss, ignore or avoid them. But when we turn away from feelings, we also miss the chance to learn the deep drivers and insights they represent. Don’t run, instead look to name them.
Taking the time to understand, define and interrogate emotions can help us gain clearer insight into the reactions of others. This can be a delicate process, but asking questions like:
- “That sounds challenging, does that make you angry or frustrated?”
- “How did that feel? I imagine it would have been upsetting?”
- “Wow, that sounds like a real mix of emotions. How would you describe the feelings?”
The more fluent we become in recognising emotions, understanding their drivers and their patterns of behaviour, the better equipped we are to recognise, respect and respond to these emotions when they emerge in the future.
Intentionally closing the empathy gap
Many relationships are slowly, if not sometimes swiftly, eroded when one person thinks they are listening only to be accused of not understanding at all. Closing this gap requires greater self-awareness, more focused intention on understanding and deliberate practice in empathy. However, this doesn’t mean you should try to empathise with everyone all the time, as that would be exhausting.
If you want to become a better listener and better friend you need to be selective with the time you will invest. Next time you’re in a conversation and you really care, ask yourself:
- Do I have the capacity and desire to really understand them now?
- Am I focusing on their intentions, emotions and experiences?
- Can I put my own agenda and impulses aside to fully engage?
- Do we have the time and space to go deep into this conversation?
An answer of no to any of these questions might be a sign that you shouldn’t just skim the surface and pretend to listen. In my experience, when one or more of these questions are not answered in the affirmative, it’s better to be honest and ask the person if you can talk at a different time or in a different place.
If you want to be a better friend, focus on resisting the need to reply, pause from coming to conclusions, sit with them in silence and embrace the emotions that arise.
Most of all, be intentional and selective. If you try to be everyone’s best friend you will burn yourself out and the tips above will only become more difficult.
