L-R: Clinical psychologists Helen Robertson and Shahn Baker Sorekli.
Sometimes you only need to be on social media for a few seconds before you’re bombarded with images of relationship grand gestures – the stunning view from the fancy hotel, the anniversary shot at the exotic location, or the new car with the ribbon around it.
The message is clear: ‘Our relationship is amazing because of these grand gestures’. Grand gestures, such as an exotic holiday, a public declaration, a special gift or an amazing date, can be a good tonic for your relationship. However, the good feeling can be short-lived and superficial.
While grand gestures are nice, they won’t compensate for a lack of regular and small positive interactions. Grand gestures are akin to doing a big clean-up in your home when you leave it a mess every other day. Yes, you feel great afterwards, but if you have not developed the positive habits to keep your home tidy, it will soon be messy again.
The small magic moments are points of connection that are joyful, thoughtful, present, caring, helpful, affectionate or flirtatious. Grand gestures are big plans, such as holidays, elaborate gifts or amazing date nights that can’t easily be replicated. They can be an amazing experience, but they’re just not enough to dictate the nature of the relationship.
With a little thought and commitment, small magic moments can be done on a daily basis. Some examples include holding hands, making your partner a cup of coffee, getting off the couch to greet them at the door, looking them in the eye, giving them a touch or a hug, sharing a smile, giving them a flirtatious look or compliment, doing a chore for them, and asking how their day was and giving your full attention to the answer. Grand gestures need to be the icing on the cake – they’re a celebration, not a bandaid.
Small moments of intimacy are the building blocks to your relationship for the following reasons:
Small interactions build intimacy
The little things you do for one another every day build a deep sense of intimacy and bond between you and your partner. These gestures communicate that you value your partner and prioritise their happiness.
Small interactions show effort
Relationships take effort, and small interactions demonstrate effort.
If you listen, offer a hug when needed, or drive your partner to an appointment without being asked, you demonstrate you care about your partner and are willing to put in the work to support them. These efforts communicate ‘I value you’ and, in turn, lead to feeling valued.
Small interactions create positive associations
Positive associations are the mental connections you make between an experience and a feeling. Small, positive interactions with your partner create large positive associations for your relationship.
Over time, these positive associations can sustain a relationship through tough times. The value of the relationship becomes larger than any difficult time you might have to endure.
The 8 Love Links by Shahn Baker Sorekli and Helen Robertson.
Small interactions can form habits
Any relationship will have moments of conflict or misunderstanding. However, if you have a habit of small, positive interactions, they will offset negative moments, making your relationship more secure.
When you develop a habit of showing affection, expressing gratitude or offering support, these small acts become automatic, creating a strong foundation for the relationship. Establishing these small habits in the relationship leads to faster conflict resolution. Sitting with unresolved conflict becomes uncomfortable, and you have a natural tendency to want to realign with one another.
Small moments act like glue
The small moments are the glue to your relationship. Your interactions add up, and they either keep you safe or take a toll on your relationship. Magic moments need to be consistent.
Even if you’re in conflict, magic moments still matter. And while every effort is commendable, magic moments can be undone if they come with expectations or strings attached.
This is an edited extract from The 8 Love Links by Shahn Baker Sorekli and Helen Robertson. Shahn and Helen are clinical psychologists and couple’s therapists, as well as co-founders of the couple’s coaching app My Love Your Love. Learn more at 8lovelinks.com