The lighthouse beam sweeps across my windshield, matching the rhythm of waves crashing below. I’ve chosen this spot carefully — 90 minutes from home, location services disabled on my phone, cash withdrawn so my credit cards won’t give me away. After twenty years of marriage, I’ve become the kind of woman who leaves her own life.
“Nobody likes a difficult woman,” whispers that familiar voice in my head. “Good girls stay. Good girls fix things.”
These two simple words – “good girl” – have kept me trapped in a marriage where every day became an exercise in emotional acrobatics. Would this be a moment of tenderness or tension? Would my request for time alone be met with understanding or accusations?
My shoulders lived in a permanent guard position, a knot sat constantly in my chest, my body keeping score of every compromise, every swallowed truth.
Through my research with thousands of women worldwide, I’ve discovered I’m far from alone. By age 11, most of us learn that love must be earned through perfect performance, endless pleasing, and protecting others at any cost.
Two-thirds of women report feeling trapped by these expectations, exhausting themselves trying to maintain impossible standards, saying “yes” when their bodies scream “no”, swallowing their truth to keep the peace.
The cost isn’t just personal, it’s profound. When we silence our authentic voice to be the “good girl” others expect, we disconnect from our deepest wisdom. We lose touch with what we truly want, need, and deserve.
More than half of women report feeling like they’re not the person they want to be, caught between their deep longing to speak their truth and their fear of the consequences.
But here’s what I’ve discovered through both personal experience and research: this conditioning, though powerful, isn’t permanent. Our research reveals three skills that help women break free:
Show self-compassion
When you’re caught in self-criticism or feeling overwhelmed, give yourself an ‘oxytocin shot’.
Gently place one hand over your opposite wrist. Take three slow, deep breaths as you hold your wrist reassuringly. Notice how your jaw softens, your shoulders relax, and your body begins to feel calmer.
This simple gesture reminds your nervous system that you’re safe and worthy, exactly as you are.
Dr Michelle McQuaid
Strengthen self-leadership
Start with a simple ‘you-turn’ when you’re feeling pressured to be ‘good’.
Place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly, take three slow breaths, and ask yourself: “What matters most to me right now?”
Let your inner wisdom guide your choices rather than other people’s expectations. The more you practise listening to your own voice, the stronger it becomes.
Seek secure attachment
Build healthy boundaries by being clear about what’s okay and not okay for you.
Before responding to others’ requests, pause to check: Is this genuinely right for me? Then express your truth with kindness: “I care about you, and I need to take care of myself too”. Each time you honour your needs, you build trust in yourself and your relationships.
That night at the lighthouse became my turning point. Instead of returning to a life of constant compromise, I chose to honour my truth. The journey that followed – through divorce, career changes, and rebuilding my life – wasn’t easy. But it led me to something far more valuable than approval: the courage to live life on my own terms.
Now, at 51, my life looks nothing like I imagined, and like everything I needed. I’m proudly grey, openly queer, and happily single. But the biggest change? Freedom. Freedom from the exhausting performance of being ‘good’. Freedom to speak my truth, set my boundaries, and trust my wisdom. Freedom to be perfectly imperfect, exactly as I am.
Breaking free isn’t about becoming ‘bad’ instead of ‘good’, it’s about becoming real. Yes, some people might be uncomfortable when you stop playing small. Yes, some relationships might need to shift as you reclaim your voice.
But here’s what our research consistently shows: women who make this journey discover something far more valuable than approval, they find genuine connection, deeper wellbeing, and the freedom to live authentically.
So next time those two words – “good girl” – threaten to keep you stuck, pause and ask yourself: “On whose terms and for whose benefit am I living my wild and precious life?”
Your answer might just set you free.
