How to deal with ‘the ick’ when you like someone – and why it happens

You’re dating someone new and everything seems to be going great — until something changes. Suddenly, the way they chew, the way they text or even the way they laugh makes you cringe. You’ve just caught the ick.

Why do you get the ick, especially when you genuinely like someone?

What is the ick, anyway?

The ick is that sudden feeling of repulsion you get toward someone you were attracted to. One minute, they’re amazing, and the next, even something minor can make them seem unbearable.

It’s not that they’ve done anything wrong, but suddenly, you can’t help but notice the small, often random quirks that drive you nuts.

The ick is usually superficial and can be something as simple as how they pronounce a word, the shoes they wear or how they laugh too loudly at their own jokes.

Why do you get the ick, though? A lot of it is mental. Your brain is wired to look for compatibility when dating, and sometimes, when you’re unsure or insecure about your feelings, your mind picks up on small details that can amplify your doubts. It’s like your brain sends a warning signal, even when there’s no real danger to the relationship.

Why do you get the ick?

There are a few reasons the person you’re dating might turn you off, and almost all of it is internal.

Perfectionist expectations

When you start dating someone, you often build an idealised version of them in your head. They seem flawless, but as soon as you get to know them better, their human quirks become more obvious. The ick often hits when reality doesn’t align with the fantasy you’ve created.

Fear of commitment

Sometimes, the ick is your subconscious reaction to getting too close too fast. If you’ve been hurt in the past or are scared of commitment, you might find yourself self-sabotaging the relationship.

Overthinking

Have you ever got caught up in your own head or overanalysed every little thing someone does? This is a classic reason for catching the ick. The more you focus on something, the more annoying it becomes. What was once a quirky habit becomes an unbearable trait when you give it too much thought.

Common ick examples

Everyone’s ick triggers are different, but there are a few common ones that tend to pop up in dating. These ick examples might sound familiar:

• Strange eating habits: Maybe they chew with their mouth open or eat something oddly, like drinking milk straight from the carton.
• Cringey social media posts: Suddenly, you notice they post too many selfies or overshare personal details online.
• Inconsistent texting styles: You know the one — they use one-word replies, weird emojis or “lol” after everything.
• Overenthusiasm: When they get too excited about something you don’t care about, and you just can’t relate.
• Fashion faux pas: That one weird outfit that makes you wonder what they were thinking or not wearing socks with shoes.
• Personal hygiene: Perhaps they have dirty fingernails or don’t wash their hair nearly as much as they should.

These ick examples might seem silly, but when you’re in the moment, they can feel impossible to ignore. However, if something more serious — like being rude to a server — gives you the ick, it might be time to step away.

How to deal with the ick

You’ve officially caught the ick. Now what? Do you break things off immediately or try to push through? Here are some ways to deal with the ick when you really like someone.

Check your expectations

No one is perfect, and the ick can sometimes be a sign that you hold someone to unrealistic standards. Ask yourself, “Is this thing really a deal-breaker, or am I being too critical?”

Give it time

The ick can be temporary. Sometimes, it’s just a phase that passes as you get more comfortable with someone. Don’t be so quick to pull the plug — give it time and see if your feelings shift.

Focus on the good

When the ick hits, it can be hard to remember what you liked about the person in the first place. Remind yourself of their positive qualities. If they’re kind, fun, genuine or make you feel good, don’t let the small stuff outweigh that.

Seek therapy

If you find that the ick is a recurring issue or you suspect it’s tied to something deeper, it might be worth seeking therapy. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you identify and manage negative thought patterns that could influence how you view others.

Sometimes, what feels like the ick could be tied to underlying fears or anxieties about relationships, and working through these issues with a professional can offer clarity and prevent self-sabotage.

Communicate

If the ick comes from something that can be addressed, like a habit that drives you crazy, consider talking openly about it. Open communication establishes trust and understanding, which is essential to a healthy relationship.

Often, a gentle conversation can make all the difference, especially if it’s something they can change.

Trust your gut

Sometimes, the ick is a genuine sign that the relationship isn’t right for you. If your feelings of discomfort are strong and persistent, it might be your gut telling you you’re not as into this person as you thought. Trust yourself to know when it’s time to walk away.

Can you overcome the ick?

Overcoming the ick is possible, especially if it’s based on something minor or temporary. Often, it’s just an initial reaction to a minor quirk or habit that becomes magnified when you overthink it. These turn-offs can fade by giving the relationship time and focusing on your partner’s positive traits. However, if the feelings persist or deepen, it might be a sign that you’re not as compatible as you thought, and that’s OK, too.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Getting the ick can feel confusing and frustrating, especially when you like someone and things seem to be going well. Before you panic and question everything, remember that this is a normal part of dating.

Next time you find yourself succumbing to the ick, evaluate whether it’s just a phase or a real issue, and decide how you want to move forward. After all, everyone has their quirks.