Ashlee Bunney is questioning whether she wants to have children. Photo credit: Naked Dove Photography.
At the age of 32, staring at two pink lines on a pregnancy test, I felt a rush of different emotions because I didn’t know if I wanted kids or not. It’s one of those situations where you don’t know how you’ll feel until you’re faced with it.
For the next couple of weeks I was an emotional yo-yo; there were moments I could have gone either way. No matter what, I knew I’d rock it and we would have a great life, full of love and support, though my baby daddy wouldn’t be around much.
I also imagined the comedic potential in announcing this pregnancy, considering it was during the COVID pandemic and no one really knew I was self-isolating with anyone. Obviously this is not a good reason to have a child but I’d be lying if I said this process didn’t spark creative joy.
In the end, it came down to the fact that I had never been set on having kids, and being pregnant didn’t make me want one beyond the shadow of a doubt.
I kept imagining what it would be like at the end of my tether, at 3am, with a screaming baby, alone. And if I didn’t want one beyond a shadow of a doubt, then facing 3am shadows solo with a screaming baby felt… doubtful.
Everyone says you can never be truly ‘ready’ to have a child, and there is never a perfect time. But you should at least really want it.
So, I made the decision to have an abortion.
5 years later
Thanks to the self-discovery journey I’ve been on since that experience, my life has done a 180. I pulled my finger out and became a wedding celebrant and MC, launched my business, and attracted the amazing relationship I’d been calling in.
It’s an amazing relationship with an amazing man who would like the opportunity to become an amazing dad.
So where do I currently sit with having kid or not?
The pressure to decide whether to have children
A few months ago it suddenly felt pressing that I make a decision about having children, either way.
My kinesiologist – who works with energy and emotional patterns – suggested it’s because I had just flipped my life on its head. I’d left my corporate job to be full time in my entertainment empire, rented my place out, and moved in with said amazing man.
After taking such bold leaps of faith into the unknown, my ego wanted to swoop in and hand me something I have more control over: whether I want to have kids or not.
She suggested I put a pin in it, let my life and business aspirations play out and see where I’m at in six months’ time. I mean, I would already be a teen mum at the tender age of 37, so what’s another six months, eh?
What’s on my mind
The main things I’ve been mulling over include, but are not limited to:
- I feel like I’m only just now doing ‘what I want to do when I grow up’ and having a baby would derail my focus
- How relentless parenting is
- Climate change
- The economy
- The state of the world, in general.
Just like how I felt when I was pregnant in 2020, I actually can imagine myself with children, and I can imagine myself without them. I think that comes down to knowing no matter what happens, I’ll make sure we have a fabulous life.
Ashlee Bunney is a wedding celebrant and MC.
Doing life on our own terms
Australia’s birth rate has been steadily declining, with Gen X and Millennials having fewer children than previous generations. Economic pressures and shifting priorities mean having children is no longer a default, it’s a choice.
With any social change, it’s tough being one of the first to break from tradition. Gen X was likely the first to really question whether they actually wanted children, rather than just following the standard life path of school, work, partner, marriage, kids.
As someone who is not sure about having children, I know how much thinking I’ve done about this. I ran an Instagram poll to find out how much thought other people put into it. Was having kids even a ‘decision’ for them?
For a lot of people, it wasn’t. Of those polled, 53 per cent said they didn’t think about the decision to have kids at all – just wanting them was enough. When I asked why people wanted kids, 28 per cent said they hadn’t really thought about it, or it just felt like the next step in life.
It made me wonder, do parents think about having children enough? Well, 30 per cent admitted they could have considered things a bit more.
The bottom line
All I know for sure is that the decision to have children needs to come from within, and it’s something my partner and I will keep communicating about. It’s helpful to listen to other people’s thoughts and experiences about having kids or remaining child-free, but I’m trying to keep them separate from my own internal compass.
Whether I decide to have kids or not, I do know this: the life I’ve built is already full of love, laughter, purpose and new experiences. And for now, that feels like enough.
