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Life

How I reframed my experience of loss and grief after death

How I reframed my experience of loss and grief after death

Bronwyn Frazer.

“Have you heard the news?”, my younger brother Dan asked.

It was about 7.30am, and my fur kids and I were happy and relaxed. We’d just come from back from our morning walk at a beach in Mandurah, Western Australia, where I lived at the time.

Back then I didn’t take my mobile phone to the beach because I wanted to switch off – literally and figuratively. I had no idea what my brother was talking about, but my life was about to shatter in so many directions.

“Have you heard the news?” he repeated.

In the week prior, there had been a few big earthquakes. So I thought he was calling to tell me about yet another disaster.

“No. Has there been another tsunami?” was my response.

I didn’t realise it was a different kind of disaster – one that would take a long time to recover from.

“B, I’m sorry to tell you this but Geoff died in his sleep overnight. He didn’t wake up,” Dan said.

As the words sunk in, my world changed. I felt as though I had a physical pain in my chest, I couldn’t breathe, and I was in shock. It was as though the world had stopped turning. My brother Geoff had died.

It was October 17, 2009. My older brother, Geoff, had died the night before in his sleep. He was 41 years old.

As a serving member of the Royal Australian Air Force, an autopsy was required before my family could prepare a funeral. The first was inconclusive, as was the second. There was no diagnosis. Sometimes a death doesn’t make any sense.

Moving through death

Through a terminal illness diagnosis some people have a ‘heads up’ that their loved one is dying. Others, like me, experience sudden loss.

I used to think it would be easier to deal with my brother’s death if I’d had a warning. But after my dad died of chronic heart disease, a long-term heart issue that started in his 40s, I now know this is not the case.

The death of a loved one is hard. So you need to allow yourself time to grieve, heal and do things your way, until you feel stronger.

Then, with time, you may come to see your loved one’s death from a different perspective. In positive psychology, this is called ‘reframing’.

What if…?

Experiencing death is part of the cycle of life.

We all know this, but you don’t fully get it until you have a ‘front row’ experience of death – like the death of a baby, relative, partner, best friend, or beloved pet.

But what if the death of your loved one helps you heal your relationships? What if through the shattering that happens, you become a bigger and better version of you? What if through their death, they help you help others?

What If by Bronwyn Frazer

What if?: How to reframe challenges into opportunities for growth by Bronwyn Frazer.

Every challenging experience offers a gift

Geoff’s death taught me many things about life, love, grief, relationships, and what matters most.

I was lucky to have Geoff in my life for 39 years. And while we didn’t see each other regularly, there was a sibling bond and a genuine friendship.

I could talk to Geoff about most things, and I’d get his honest feedback. We didn’t always agree, but that’s okay.

His life and sudden death taught me many lessons. Here are just a few:

Let go of arguments

Life can be short so don’t go to bed angry. Instead, share what needs to be shared. Ask yourself: how do you really feel and why?

Sometimes you may need to agree to disagree. You don’t need to be right, and you don’t need to make others wrong.

Sometimes you may just need to let it go, move on, or change the subject.

Every death brings you closer to others

Nobody understands how painful death is until they’ve had a front row experience themselves.

I learned this when a friend’s brother died in his sleep, four years after Geoff’s death.

Thanks to Geoff, I could relate to my friend and her husband. This allowed me to have open and genuine conversations about the situation and how they felt.

Live with passion and purpose

Geoff’s death taught me that time is not guaranteed. So don’t wait until tomorrow to follow your dreams.

Make every moment and conversation with the people you love count because one day they won’t be here.

Use your words wisely, be kind to others, but most of all be kind to yourself.

Don’t worry, be happy!

Depending on your age, you may remember a song called ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ by Bobby McFerrin which was released in 1988.

I used to hate that song, but my brother loved singing it. Now when I hear it playing on the radio or in a shop, I think of Geoff. Then as I listen to the words, I smile and thank Geoff for reminding me that worry is a waste of energy.

I know he would want me to be happy, not sad or worried. I’m sure that’s what your loved one wants for you too.

Embracing their gifts

For me, coming to terms with and healing after the death of loved ones has been my biggest challenge.

But with kindness to self, the right support and time, I’ve learned to embrace the gifts and lessons my loved ones shared.

Bronwyn Frazer

This article was written by Bronwyn Frazer, a writer, author, natural therapist, and clinical nutritionist. She has a degree in communications, and nutritional and dietetic medicine. She has studied psychology, counselling, and social dimensions of health.

Her book What If: How to Reframe Challenges into Opportunities for Growth is available now.

Learn more at bronwynfrazer.com.au