6 tips to prepare yourself to date again after heartbreak

One of the most painful life events you can go through is the end of a relationship.

The person who was left feels rejected, lost, and abandoned, but it’s not easy for the person who chooses to end things either. While there is relief, there is also disappointment, loneliness, and worry for the future. There’s the guilt of hurting your partner. Even if it’s a mutual decision, there is heartbreak. The end brings sadness and grief – a loss of a future, a dream, a partner, and life together. And there’s the anxiety of an unknown future.

In the midst of heartbreak, dating and finding love again can be the furthest thing from your mind. You’re simply existing and getting by. For some, starting again is exciting and offers new possibilities. For most, the longing for love, connection, and partnership re-emerges.

If you find yourself longing for love again after heartbreak, here’s how to go from heartbroken to ready to date again, and open yourself up to real, lasting love.

Before you date again

1. Actually feel your feelings

It’s important you don’t bypass the pain of heartbreak. Sure, throw yourself into work or eat too much chocolate. But know that you can also be the one to comfort yourself through the waves of emotion that arise. It’s a critical skill.

Validate your emotions by noticing how they feel in your body and normalise them. For example, tell yourself, “it makes sense you feel sad right now”. You may even gently put your hand to your heart.

2. Know your relationship patterns

Let this be a time of self-discovery. Our relationships and partner choices tend to have patterns that repeat. We gravitate to what is familiar; what was modelled to us in early life. We don’t always choose what is good for us.

Some of the most common patterns I see are seeking approval from a partner, doing all that one can to be appreciated and loved. You then feel quite burnt out, especially if you chose a partner who is emotionally closed off or critical.

You may feel lots of anxiety when your partner pulls away. This anxiety can manifest in being demanding or critical, or silencing your needs in order to gain closeness. If the pattern has repeated, it’s time to learn ways to manage this anxiety and to express your needs. The right partner will want to hear them.

If there’s an underlying feeling that you don’t deserve a partner that is consistent, kind, and loyal, then you may settle or accept poor treatment. Consider how these beliefs have shown up for you. Did you feel your emotions were too much, or you were too needy? Start with knowing that your needs for consistency, calm, and wanting to be heard all matter.

Preparing to date

3. List your relationship values

Before you jump into dating, consider what values really matter to you in a relationship. Is it teamwork, communication, adventure, quality time, kindness, growth, or something else?

How do you envision your future? Consider matters such as living together or apart, marriage, and having children. How you want to feel with a partner matters.

4. Update your definition of love

We’re told myths and sold fairytales about love. We seek the spark and instant attraction. We think love should always be easy.

Healthy love is often stable and has a calming effect on our nervous system. Happy couples do fight, though they know how to repair the conflict. They admire and respect each other.

5. Start the search

It’s important to choose a dating option that fits who you are. Dating apps have their pros and cons, as does looking for love in more organic ways. What matters most is your vulnerability and honesty about what you are seeking.

Share what really matters to you, ask curious questions, give compliments, and have fun. The art of dating is a skill that should be practiced.

While dating

6. Listen to how you feel

You’re going out on dates, and having new experiences. Comparing how you feel with each date is important. It can slow down the connection and keep you in your head; consider how much you actually know about this person, and if they align with your values.

It’s critical to tune in to your body and assess how you feel. Is there calm and safety? Or an anxiety because something feels off? Does the connection feel ‘too good to be true’ or do they feel familiar? If so, go slowly. A lasting love is built on slow, steady gestures of trust and reciprocal communication.

You ultimately want to find someone where you can be your authentic self and express your feelings. Go slowly and at your pace. You now get to find and create love on your terms.