Swipe. Ghost. Repeat. How dating apps are killing real love

It’s just before midnight on a Saturday evening. I’ve been out on a delicious date with my partner and we’re downstairs having a night cap to level out the espresso martinis we had with dessert.

As we reflect on our evening, my phone vibrates. Another potential client is reaching out to see if I can help them. Most small business owners might find it strange to receive inquiries in the middle of the night. For a matchmaker, it’s commonplace.

A few kilometres away, a successful professional sits on her couch. She’s returned home from another disappointing experience. He looked hot on the app profile and seemed interesting over text before the date. But things fell flat pretty quickly and they were both left deciding again whether to simply go and have sex so as to salvage the wasted effort of getting here in the first place… or simply call it quits now and return back to the apps.

Her decision was made when she returned from the restaurant bathroom to see he was already flicking through profiles for the next date. She retreated home to do the same thing. Swipe left. Swipe right. Repeat. Hope flares with each match, only to be extinguished days later by ghosting or an awkward first date that leads nowhere. Exhaustion, disillusionment, and frustration settle in.

What the hell happened to dating? How can there be so many options out there and somehow good quality people are left feeling this way? This is the story I hear every day from both men and women who arrive at my doorstep. They’re tired of the game, burnt out from the endless swiping, and left wondering why, despite their best efforts, love seems so elusive.

Over the past 20 years, as a matchmaker, I’ve had the privilege of guiding thousands of singles toward meaningful relationships. And I can tell you one thing for certain: dating apps, for all their promises, are sabotaging our chances at true connection.

The problem with dating apps

To understand why dating apps promised so much and delivered so little, you have to return to the beginning.

You see, dating apps for your phone were based on geolocation technology. Most people are unaware that the first dating app to take hold was Grindr in 2009 – an app for promiscuous gay men to seek partners for sex within close proximity to their location. Tinder was established in 2012 and took hold solidly, riding off Grindr’s success and technology, aiming at the much larger straight market.

In the early days of Tinder and the apps that followed, many people were meeting and starting relationships. In the face of the demise of connecting through church, work dating and even social gatherings, dating apps appeared to be a possible life raft for our increasingly lonely existence.

Yet, very quickly the hook-up culture took hold, with kink, polyamory and queer apps leading the way, even today. In just a few years, disillusionment and exhaustion began to set in for the people seeking genuine connection while the onslaught of new dating app options continued. So why do we hate them and return to them in equal measure?

Dating apps present themselves as the solution to modern loneliness, but in reality, they’re designed to keep you swiping, not connecting. Their business model thrives on your dissatisfaction. Here’s how:

• Choice overload: Apps bombard you with endless profiles, making it harder to make a decision and leaving you feeling paralysed. It’s the paradox of choice. When we’re faced with too many options, we end up choosing none.
• Superficiality: Let’s be honest. You’re not reading long bios; you’re judging photos. The swipe culture reduces people to commodities, fostering shallow interactions rather than genuine connections.
• Gamification: Every match gives you a dopamine hit, much like a slot machine. But just like gambling, it’s addictive and leaves you feeling empty in the long run. When you do start dating someone and try to pause the app, they carpet bomb you with more options to keep you as their slave and profit source.
• No accountability: Ghosting, breadcrumbing, and lying are rampant. Hidden behind the anonymity of a screen, people behave in ways they’d never dream of in real life.

And even if apps somehow fixed these problems, the deeper issue remains: the culture they’ve created. Hook-up behaviour thrives in this landscape while those seeking a deeper connection are left wanting.

Hold on tight – things are about to get a lot worse

As if swipe culture wasn’t bad enough, the next wave of online dating disruption is here.

At first glance, AI might seem like it’s making dating more efficient. Chatbots are now breaking the ice for users, algorithms are deciding who’s a good match, and then there’s the most dystopian aspect of all: AI romantic partners.

Companies like Replika and others are creating AI-powered companions designed to simulate romantic relationships. Where will all this end? It is a question that, as a lover of love, a warrior for romantic human connection, keeps me up at night.

The culture of disposable dating

Dating apps have normalised the idea that people are replaceable. If one date doesn’t go amazingly well, if fireworks don’t ignite immediately, if things don’t magically fall into place, then there are hundreds more profiles waiting.

This mindset undermines the very foundation of love: effort, patience, and mutual respect.

Before apps, dating often happened within a community – through work, friends, or shared activities. You were accountable to the people around you. Poor behaviour wasn’t easily swept under the rug because your reputation mattered.

Today, that accountability is gone. We hide behind digital profiles, treating potential partners as disposable. Ghosting has become so normalised that even those hurt by it turn around and do it to others.

This culture of disposability is fundamentally at odds with the principles of love, partnership, and connection.

The alternative: Reconnecting with real life

So, what’s the answer? How do we move beyond the toxic cycle of swipe culture? The solution lies in reconnecting with the real world and rediscovering the power of community. Here’s how:

• Put down the phone: Even when we’re around others we are closed off to the world. Instead, it’s time to start looking up. Talk to people in your everyday life – at the coffee shop, in the park, at a networking event. Connection begins when you’re present.
• Turn solo routines into group activities: Our existence is designed to be insular and individualistic. Nearly everything we do, we do alone. Try doing it differently. Love yoga? Join a group class. Interested in art? Take a workshop. Shared hobbies naturally bring you into contact with like-minded people with shared values, which are the foundation of a sustainable relationship.
• Grow your personal network: Think of it like networking in business. Build relationships with people who align with your values and interests. Your future partner might not be in your immediate circle, but they could be one introduction away.
• Practise presence: When you meet someone, really listen. Make eye contact, get curious, engage in the conversation, and let them feel heard. The world is full of amazing people, you just need to slow down enough to notice them.
• Take action: Want to know more and do more? Find out about my online video series on Dating Without Apps.

Why this matters

In my upcoming book, You Are the Reason You’re Alone, I dive into the psychology behind why dating apps and our twisted approach to modern romance are failing us and how we can reclaim control of our love lives.

The future of love is at a crossroads. If we don’t reclaim our ability to connect authentically, we risk losing it entirely. It’s time to put the phone down, log off the apps, and start rebuilding the human skills that make love real.

As I share in the book, the power to design a fulfilling love life is in your hands – but only if you take the wheel.