A case for being child-free: What if motherhood isn’t transformative?

It wasn’t until I was in my late twenties that I found the confidence to admit to myself and others that I had no desire to have children. Some people were supportive, but many others dismissed me as young and naive and assured me my biological clock would kick in and that I’d change my mind any day now.

They insisted that if I just had a baby, I would realise it was the best thing I had ever done. “It will change you in every way,” they’d say with a knowing twinkle in their eye.

I would smile and deflect, partly because I couldn’t be bothered arguing about choices I’ve deeply considered for years. I also didn’t want to list my numerous reasons for being child-free, worried that I’d imply their choice to have kids was wrong.

I am thrilled for anyone who wants to and can raise a child. And I know how natural it is to believe that an emotional experience someone finds so powerful and transformative would be the same for others.

Yet more and more women are now choosing to live child-free and eschew the societal expectations that imply women’s most important role in life is to reproduce – a notion that is not only narrow-minded but inherently trans-exclusionary and insensitive to women with fertility challenges. 

Does motherhood make you a better, more loving person?

I wholeheartedly believe and support those who credit motherhood with making them more patient, compassionate, wise, and resilient.

Still, it’s unfair to generalise and assume this would be true for everyone. We all have innate temperaments and nervous systems with varying tolerance levels for stress, lack of sleep, and overwhelm. We all have unique, rich, complex histories shaping how we relate to caregiving, self-sacrifice, and family.

Why do so many assume that our vast and multifaceted identities collapse once a child enters the chat? Is early parenting simply so overwhelming that mothers put other parts of themselves on the back-burner, with the silent hope that it will one day have a chance to resurface?

Recent research from Bugaboo’s Future of Parenting Survey found that the majority (60 per cent) of parents surveyed admitted that parenting didn’t match their expectations and was not what they prepared for.

It’s easy to romanticise the idea of a baby to love, nurture, and share experiences with. But the reality of parenting can be unpredictable and varied depending on your circumstances, privilege, access to caregiving support, and so much more.

We need to respect everyone’s unique experiences and desires for their lives, free of influence from inherent gender bias and patriarchal myths about what women should aspire to.

If motherhood were always a magical metamorphosis, there would be no children raised in unloving, neglectful, or unsafe homes. Difficulties like addiction, mental health challenges, and toxic behavioural patterns caused by intergenerational trauma would evaporate as soon as the birth certificate is signed.

The idea that having children changes everything for the better is appealing, but ultimately reductive and overly simplistic in a way that can cause women who have a different experience to stay silent and ashamed and not reach out for the support they need and deserve.

Why is it only women who are expected to transform after having kids?

In heterosexual relationships, it’s mainly the woman who is expected to overhaul her life completely. From the moment pregnancy is confirmed, there are intense physical changes, hormonal shifts, dietary restrictions, the inability to socialise over alcohol, and so much more.

Expectant mothers must also plan for disruptions to their careers and hobbies, balance childcare costs with their salaries, navigate complex parental leave policies, and deal with unsolicited opinions and advice from everyone around them.

Meanwhile, expectant fathers offer ‘support’, but their lives remain far less uprooted. This dynamic can continue after childbirth; women parent, and some men ‘help out’ or babysit, often getting glowing praise for doing so, even if their energetic contribution pales in comparison.

Why is it only women who are supposedly transformed by having children? Yes, pregnancy hormones have a role in brain rewiring so that mothers bond with their children and become vigilant about keeping them safe. But how consistent is this hormonal influence on the experience of parenthood, and is it so powerful that other parts of a woman’s identity become crowded out?

We are always learning more about how hormones impact the brain, so can we be so sure that hormones simply take over and transform women into mothers and nothing more?

Is this rhetoric just a convenient cover for outdated sexist expectations that the mother will take the lioness’s share of the child-rearing duties? Not to mention that this completely ignores people who become mothers through adoption, IVF, and surrogacy. Biology can’t be the only reason for the expectation of transformation; it must also be somewhat societal and ideological.

It then makes sense to ask: Who stands to benefit from perpetuating the idea that motherhood alone allows women to take their most important ‘final form’? Research from behavioural scientist Paul Dolan indicated that unmarried women without children are often happier and healthier than men, and also women with husbands and kids.

This trend could be partly attributable to unmarried women’s stronger platonic connections, which we know are imperative for health and longevity.

In contrast, married men tend to lead longer, happier, healthier lives than single men, according to research from Harvard University. They found that married men ate healthier, smoked less, and had a higher standard of living, including more regular medical care. Their marriages also protected them from loneliness and social isolation, which have been closely linked with early mortality. 

Is marriage and motherhood always beneficial for women?

While some women are undoubtedly happy and fulfilled raising a family, the brunt of the downsides to marriage and childrearing often falls on the woman.

Some research even found that getting married ‘costs’ the average woman an additional seven hours of housework per week, while married men ‘save’ housework hours.

Every marriage is unique, and the pros and cons are private decisions that can’t be quantified and extrapolated to the masses. However, we can’t pretend that women are completely free to choose their path when we consider these trends, and when women continue to face salacious stigma for not wanting kids or for being a mother who still wants to work, have a social life, or just wish they had some time for themselves.

Perhaps the most common counter I hear when women proclaim their desire to remain child-free is that parenting gives you a type of love that is unlike any other. I once chuckled with embarrassment at a relative who claimed that “partners come and go, kids are forever” in front of his wife. But I also found the comment sad. If parenting is the only pure type of love, is this because it’s so irreversible, and you have no choice? Or is it because they are a perfect mirror for yourself upon which you can project unlived dreams, right the wrongs of your past, or prove to yourself that you’ve left a meaningful legacy?

That seems like a lot of pressure to put on an innocent child who didn’t choose the family or expectations they are born into. But perhaps I’m just bitter at the idea that I don’t know real love because I haven’t had kids. I find this offensive as someone who knows incredibly loving, dedicated adoptive parents and as a woman who adores and would do anything for her friends, her partner, her dog, and even people I don’t know well.

If the transformation of motherhood renders all of these types of love as somehow lesser or insignificant, that’s not an evolution that appeals to me. I can hold space and show love and respect for people who want to be parents, and at the same time, I can be wholly confident in my choice to live child-free.

I just hope that, in time, all child-free women can trust that they will receive that same love and respect in return.

TELL US: Do you think motherhood is transformative? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.