Domestic violence is not always physical – here are the signs to look for

Earlier this year, Australia declared violence against women a national emergency, with the number of women murdered by their current or former partner increasing from previous years.

Every time another woman is lost to femicide, we’re reminded of how far we have yet to go in terms of women’s rights, freedom, and safety.

While mainstream media coverage mainly focuses on horrific acts of physical assault or murder, violence against women can take many forms.

Non-physical forms of violence often involve coercive control, where one person exerts dominance over another, jeopardising the victim’s mental health, physical safety, social support, and financial wellbeing and security.

Escaping cyclic patterns of abuse

Abusive relationships were a part of Cat Dunn’s life long before she met the man she would one day have to flee from. She arrived in Australia from the UK with a partner who became abusive. After they split, Dunn found herself alone in a new country.

Taking this in her stride, Dunn forged a new life and established herself as a successful Online Business Manager, supporting creatives in scaling their businesses.

While settling in Australia, Dunn met a new partner, which marked the beginning of a new cycle of abuse.

“When I first met him, it was magical. He showered me with affection and praise and attention,” she recalls. “I felt truly seen and like I could be and do anything.”

Abusers rarely show obvious signs at the beginning of a new relationship. The controlling and dangerous behaviour often takes months or years to develop.

Many abusers will initially appear to be the ‘perfect’ partner, showering their would-be victim with love and adoration while subtly encouraging them to withdraw from other sources of social support.

It can be complicated to distinguish being lost in the ‘love bubble’ of new relationship energy and love bombing, a common way abusers isolate people and gain complete control over their victim’s lives.

Early warning signs of abuse

In retrospect, Dunn recalls early red flags of controlling or manipulative behaviours. She managed to dismiss them because of how normalised they had become, given her history and the broader societal acceptance of controlling male partners as ‘normal’ or even romantic and ‘protective’.

Dunn described how he would refuse to speak to her in public and force her to carry out acts of apology if she broke one of the relationship’s rules, like talking to another man.

“We were long-distance at the beginning, and I had to be available anytime he contacted me,” she said.

“If I wanted to end the conversation early or didn’t answer straight away, he’d give me the silent treatment, and I had no way of knowing where he was or what he was doing.”

After they moved in together, the abuse escalated, with her visa status weaponised to keep her under his complete control.

“There were rules I had to abide by, otherwise I was threatened with the cancellation of my visa and having to give up my entire life,” said Dunn.

“These rules included not drinking alcohol, not having any male friends, only being allowed to hang out with my sister or best friend, and putting up Instagram stories if I went anywhere without him so he could see where I was.”

If she ‘broke a rule’, her partner would give her the silent treatment and withdraw all contact as punishment. This began with a day or two, but eventually, she would be left alone for weeks, uncertain of where he was or what this meant for their relationship and her future in Australia.

“He’d go out all night partying with other women and burst in at 4am demanding to know whose aftershave he could smell in the hallway when I’d been alone for days,” Dunn said.

Dunn is passionate about spreading awareness of how to spot warning signs that someone might be experiencing coercive control, manipulation, gaslighting, financial abuse, and psychological or emotional abuse in a relationship.

These can include reduced confidence, becoming quiet, withdrawn, easily startled, or overly apologetic. Physical changes, such as how someone dresses, weight changes, or cuts or bruises, may also indicate something wrong.

Dunn also said that someone being abused may stop posting on social media, constantly have to answer calls or texts from their partner, or be attached to their phone.

Abusive partners may also frequently criticise their victims, ridicule them, or insist on making decisions ‘for their own good’.

Support and advice hotlines can offer guidance on what to do if you suspect abuse or if someone close to you discloses that they are in an abusive relationship.

Finding safety in connection

Working on her business and connecting with colleagues was a lifeline for Dunn throughout this abuse cycle. While she was scared to tell many people, she confided in her sister and best friend, who provided a safe space for her.

She felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. Leaving the relationship put her at risk of losing everything: her visa, housing, social life in Australia, and the business she had worked so hard to build.

She also doubted her experience and grappled with balancing her loyalty and love for her partner with her unhappiness and lack of safety.

“I was completely in love with him, which I now recognise as a trauma bond. When I was being punished, I didn’t eat or sleep for days. I was consumed with how I could convince him to forgive me and love me back,” Dunn said.

Because the violence wasn’t physical, Dunn was terrified others wouldn’t believe her or take her seriously. She would often gaslight herself into thinking she was exaggerating, especially when her partner treated her kindly.

“I was in a personal development community and had been sharing with them what was happening to me. I was given the number for Lifeline, and they gave me a few numbers of organisations that may be able to give me counselling,” she said.

Eventually, Dunn hit a turning point during a weeks-long punishment cycle so severe that she was experiencing suicidal ideation.

“I realised that if I didn’t leave, I wouldn’t be here much longer,” she said.

Dunn called The Orange Door, a government-funded initiative to help people affected by domestic violence. They validated her experience, and she started sharing her situation with more people and saving emergency funds for her escape.

“I’d written a safety plan in the back of a notepad I knew he wouldn’t read that I put together with a therapist. It helped me feel more in control,” she said.

She planned to leave in secret, having learned that the period in which a victim leaves their abuser is often the most dangerous time.

“One night, while he was out, I packed up my car and drove to my sister’s house. The next day, I rang The Orange Door, and they gave me the address of emergency housing that I had to keep secret. I drove there, and I was safe for the first time in years.”

The Orange Door provided emergency housing, connected Dunn with a support worker, and helped her access grant funding, legal aid, and therapy following her escape.

She leaned on her sister, best friend, clients, business, and community while she applied for an Intervention Order (IVO), undertook the court process, and moved house nine times in ten months.

Dunn urges other women who have noticed subtle signs of controlling or abusive behaviour in their relationships to trust their gut and confide in people they trust.

“It was from sharing that I learned what was happening to me,” she said.

“There were also many amazing organisations who share advice on the signs to look for and ways to get help.”

Dunn’s story is a critical reminder that abuse can happen to anyone and that abusers are often highly skilled manipulators and experts in luring in would-be victims.

“If a behaviour or action doesn’t feel right, listen to yourself. You may think that you’re overreacting, but domestic violence isn’t always violent,” she said.

“There may be a feeling of shame, but you deserve better, and what is happening to you is not okay.”

Cat Dunn is hosting an event in Melbourne on February 20, 2025 called Life After I Left which will share inspirational stories from incredible and courageous women. Learn more and get tickets here.

If you or someone you know may be experiencing abuse, help is available. 1800 RESPECT offers a free advice hotline via its website, an online chat, text message, or video call, or you can call them on 1800 737 732. You can also access their National Relay Service on 1800 555 677 and an interpreter in your language by calling 13 14 50.